Beer Steak Bullshit

Now that Tiger Woods is in the spotlight, all forms of weird characters are coming out of the woodwork to share juicy details about his affairs. The latest one has to do with Ambien Sex. Yes, friends of Rachel Uchitel told Radar that Tiger Woods was seeing her to have Ambien Sex with him. That’s what they allege he asked for. Now don’t be surprised that someone like Tiger Woods knows and practices Ambien Sex yet you have never even heard of it. You’re not alone. Not even a deviated mind like mine has come far enough to understand Ambien Sex. Looks like I have not been lucky to boink with crazy enough bitches. Let’s look into what Ambien Sex is to get it explained once and for all:

When you take Ambien, the drug gets you into the infamous Ambien Haze and if you engage in a sexual activity while still hazing, the sex will be wild and uninhabited. You’ll do things you’d never do sober. Then when you wake up in the morning, you won’t remember a damn thing. That could be beneficial cause you will only see the aftermath of your kinky night, such as the toilet brush up your ass. Unless of course you set up the cameras to film your charade but then you could end up puzzled like those kids in The Blairwitch Project. As long as you don’t gut and dismember your Ambien Sex partner, it’s all cool. Where do I get some, anyway? I’d like to know what I’m capable of when I don’t hold back. Let’s have Ambien Sex. We’ll keep it a secret. Tiger Woods does it, why can’t we all?

Pictured above are wife of Tiger Woods – Elin Nordegren and her identical twin sister Josefin Nordegren. This is Tiger Wood’s close family – his wife and sister in law. Even if we forget about double beauty and leave Elin Nordegren’s twin sister out of the equation, we’re still looking at a gorgeous blonde the presence of which would make any man’s dream come true. Yet Tiger Woods pulled out his dick and inserted it in the mouth of someone like Rachel Uchitel. For the record, let’s take a side by side comparison photo between Elin Nordegren and Rachel Uchitel and then you can ask with me again – what on Earth was Tiger Woods thinking when he pulled his dick out of Elin Nordegren and put it in Rachel Uchitel. WTF?

I’m puzzled. Why exactly would Tiger Woods cheat on Elin Nordegren, who’s an incredibly hot wife with someone like Rachel Uchitel? But let’s not talk about Rachel Uchitel, let’s talk about Elin Nordegren’s Twin Sister Josefin Nordegren. We all know Elin is out of question – first of all she’s married, secondly she’s married to Tiger Woods. Your name would have to be Bill Gates in order to be more interesting to her than Tiger Woods. Not only is Tiger Woods a billionaire, he’s also famous and one of the most celebrated athletes. No matter what you do, you ain’t getting in Elin Nordegren’s underwear.

But that matters not, because there’s one more woman out there, who’s identical to Elin so you would be compromising absolutely nothing when it comes to sheer beauty. Elin Nordegren’s twin sister has all the hotness of Elin but no ties with anyone whom you can’t outdo with fame and wealth.

Josefin and Nordegren both grew up in a coastal town just outside of Stockholm called Waxholm. Tiger Woods was introduced to Elin Nordegren by Swedish pro golfer and his friend Jesper Parnevik, for whom Elin (as well as Josefin) worked as a nanny. There is very little info out there on Josefin Nordegren. I should trace down her email.

Now that the alleged affair between golf star Tiger Woods and some random gold-digger Rachel Uchitel has gone public and took off like there’s no tomorrow, more and more gold-diggers are coming out of the woodwork claiming that Tiger Woods also had an affair with them. Is this some gold-diggers society they are all proud members of? Cause it sure seems like they wait patiently until chief gold digger gives a sign and then they all come out and start claiming they had Tiger Wood’s penis in their mouth. Gross. Rachel Uchitel was followed by Jaimee Grubbs who swears she’s got over 300 text messages from Tiger Woods she would be sent during her affair with the golf pro. And now the Tiger Woods affair scene was also entered by gold digger Kalika Moquin who maintains that she was sucking on Tiger Wood’s penis as recently as in October of 2009. Photo of Kalika Moquin from Life & Style magazine is included above.

Oddly enough, Kalika Moquin is NOT a cocktail bar waitress from Los Angeles of Las Vegas. Kalika Moquin allegedly works as a marketing manager for Las Vegas nightclub called The Bank. So Las Vegas is there, but no cocktail waitress as job title. That’s freaking odd. The oddballs who come out of nowhere to gain their five minutes of fame typically work as coctail waitresses (shoutout to Jaimee Grubbs), but this one breaks the golden rule. FIRED!

Elin Nordegren disapproves. She’s gonna own those bitches with a golf club. I wonder if this alleged Tiger Woods affair with Kalika Moquin is just a publicity stunt on behalf of The Bank night club. Being in Las Vegas, they are surely struggling with decreased revenue just as any other Vegas venue and this could put The Bank in the spotlight. And if Kalika Moquin truly is a marketing manager for the club, then she’s an effin good one cause the club could not have asked for any more publicity than this. Just pick a random celebrity that’s being currently slammed with affair allegation and throw your own in the pile. Collect media attention and revenue that it delivers and move on with your life when someone else’s secret affairs hit the news. Kalika Moquin is an effin genius marketer. But can she lift a ball with her vagina?